“I’m Proud Of You”

I had about 6 ideas in my head for a post. I actually started drafting one up yesterday but, didn’t get to finish since I was hanging out with my family. When I woke up this morning, this post came to me and I knew I had to write this one instead.

I’m surrounded by people who are succeeding in life and have major accomplishments. My cousin has her PhD and she just bought a house. My friend is soon to be graduating with her PhD next year, is getting ready to buy a house, and just got to the “I love you” stage in her relationship. My sister has a house, a husband/family, and is about to graduate with her master’s within the next 2 months.

Here I am a couple of months shy of 28 and I don’t have a college degree, I don’t own a house, and I don’t have a man (or even a potential). I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I remember having a conversation with my grandmother a while ago. She was saying how my one cousin was having a baby, my other cousin just got married, and my other cousin was buying a house. And in my mind I was like “What in the hell am I doing? Absolutely nothing.”

I know, I “shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else”, “it’s not how you get there, it’s about finishing”, blah blah blah. I know. I get it. But, everyone compares themselves to someone. We all do it, it’s in our nature. And I know being in a relationship is not an accomplishment but, damnit it’s a “nice to have.”

Everyone is doing things with their life and I can’t get my shit together because just alone, it’s a struggle getting out of bed everyday, especially days like this.

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain (thankfully, the sun is out). I used to enjoy laying in the bed with my window open and listening to the rain. Now, when I hear rain is in the forecast, I cringe. Rain comes with intensified pain. My normal pain gets turned up to the max.

When I don’t think I can get out of the bed, I keep going. When it hurts to get myself dressed, I keep going. When brushing my teeth drains the little energy I have, I keep going. When walking feels like my legs are 100 tons and every step sends shots of pain throughout my body, I keep going. When I can barely grip the steering wheel because the joints in my hand ache, I keep going. – This is exactly how my morning went. Some days it’s not as bad but, today was another level of pain because of the rain. Happy Monday. 😒

My accomplishment is me getting up and still pushing forward. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, etc. are all my accomplishments. There are times I break down because the pain is just overwhelming. I have my moment, get myself together, close my eyes, take a deep inhale (which can cause pain by the way), and slowly exhale. I mentally let go of the pain. Physically it’s still there but, I try my best to not think about it. That’s how I have to get through my day, by not thinking about it. It’s hard but, if the pain consumed me mentally and physically, I wouldn’t be able to function the way I do now (which is quite impressive if I do say so myself).

People may not be able to see what I’ve accomplished because I’m living with an invisible illness but, I see it. Every day I look in mirror and tell myself “I’m proud of you.”

I’m proud of myself and my”little” accomplishments, and that’s all that matters.

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