I Want To Clear The Clouds

I know I should start off with some intro saying where I’ve been but, the last time I did that, I ended up going MIA for like a month. I know, I need to do better. Just work with me. Lol. I actually have about 6 drafts of posts I started to write but, that motivation wasn’t there anymore. So, I’m just going to jump into this post like I wasn’t gone for twenty-leven days.

This last month I’ve been depressed. Not suicidal depression but, “down, can’t get these dark clouds from over me” depression. I think it’s important to say not suicidal because people automatically associate suicide with depression and that’s not always the case.

My family had to say goodbye to our patriarch, my grandfather. Yesterday was his birthday. Three months prior, we had to say goodbye to my uncle. My grandfather passed 4 days prior to the anniversary of my cousin’s death. To top it off, I started my next semester of school.

January sucked.

I’ve been uncontrollably sad. Appetite has been low. Sleep is worse than normal. Anxiety is high. And of course, I’ve been just a big ball of flare ups.

I tried to put on my happy face on the outside, but I was suffering on the inside. I barely wanted to do anything. If I could’ve laid in the bed all day, I would have.

I’m sure I failed this semester cause I just couldn’t mentally put my all into it. I started off the semester already in a bad mental space because just a couple weeks prior, I rushed to North Carolina to see my grandfather in the hospital. So, that was weighing on me. I was going to drop my classes but, I told myself I would push through. Even when my grandfather passed the second week into the semester, I still said I was going to push through. But without me fully addressing my emotions, I couldn’t fully concentrate. And my depression was pulling me down. It hurts, cause I really tried but, I missed assignments because I couldn’t focus. I lost my motivation.

People may have thought I was okay because I was on social media. I would joke and engage in conversations. But the truth is, social media is my escape. I don’t have to think, I don’t have to focus on anything. It’s a place where I can mindlessly just scroll.

If I wasn’t on social media, I was watching TV. If I wasn’t watching TV, I was sleeping, or at least trying to.

My place shows where I am mentally. It’s a mess. I would try to clean but, it just seems like the mess piles up faster than I can clean. My poor little plants are holding on despite not watering them. And y’all know how much I care about my plants. Lol.

My birthday is Wednesday. I’m going on vacation. I’m actually going to witness one of my favorite couples renew their vows, it just so happens to be around my birthday. I’m trying get excited but, my anxiety is getting to me. I feel like I shouldn’t go because I don’t deserve it. I failed this semester (not officially yet but, I know I did). My place is a mess. There’s work that needs to be done.

But, I’m going to try my best to enjoy this vacation. I need to enjoy this vacation. My soul needs to enjoy this vacation. This last month has put me in a place where I don’t want me be again. I need my happiness back and I’m hoping this is what’s going to help with the start of bringing it out.

I want to make my birthday my new year cause the calendar new year has started off as shit.

When I get on the plane, I’m going to find a way to decompress and leave everything behind. Everything on the ground is going to be left once I get 30,000 feet in the air. I want to start fresh when I get back home. I want to clear the clouds.

While I’m there I’m going to list things I need to do to find my happiness again. I’ll share it with y’all on my next post.

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