I know my last post said I would I would have a list of things I would be doing to get myself back to well, myself. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Obviously.
I was planning on writing a post at the end of February/beginning of March. I actually have the draft still saved, but it was just too much. So, here’s a quick top 3 of what happened:
- Finally realized I have depression.
- Told my mom. She, of course is accepting.
- Failed my semester. Talked to my school advisor. Found out I’m able to take a semester off to focus on my mental health.
Finally coming to grips with the state of my mental health and saying it out loud to someone, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I actually felt good. It was a relief. It was what I needed.
Despite feeling good, the rest of March was a huge blur. And not in a good way. I thought I got out of my funk from being open but, all I really did was sit in it. Speaking out is one thing but, actively taking the steps to help cope is a whole ‘nother thing. Something I said I was going to do but, didn’t.
I seriously spent the month of March just mindlessly working, working out, and scrolling through Facebook. I was on autopilot.
My school advisor gave me resources for counseling but, I didn’t even open the email. I felt good from actually saying how I was feeling out loud. I was riding that wave of happiness, not remembering that waves eventually crash.
Something hit me on Tuesday. My energy shifted again. The wave crashed. I was feeling low again.
If you’re spiritual and believe in spirits, then you know that feeling when there’s a presence around.
I had that presence around me. And weird shit was happening to me.
“The devil is alive, I feel him breathing” – Kanye West, Heard Em’ Say
So with me having this negative energy around me (mentally and spiritually), I finally realized it was time for me to get my shit together, seriously.
Tuesday I posted on my personal FB and IG saying how I was taking a break from social media to focus on my mental health.* People can still reach me through DMs, but I’ve taken a pause on posting.
That’s the start of me focusing on me.
I give guidance to people about protecting their energy and constantly push the importance of mental health but, I never follow my own advice. NEVER. I always tell people that I’m quick to give advice on how to fix someone else’s life but, when it comes to mine, I suck.
Not sure how long I’m taking the break. Could be a week. Could be a month. Who knows. I don’t.
I just know these last couple of days without the constant mindless FB scrolling, I was able to clean my place. My place hasn’t been this clean in a looonnngggg time and I’m still in the process of cleaning but, it’s by far much better.
My attitude feels just a tad bit better. I can think a little bit clearer when my environment is clear. I even open my blinds to let some light in. I swear it’s been forever since I’ve done that.
My plants even got some love. They were fighting to stay alive. Gave them some water and they’ve perked up. Hopefully I can save all of them. If not, a trip to the nursery will be needed cause I need to added some greenery to my life.
I’ve tried meditation again but, my damn anxiety got in the way. My friend told me to keep trying, so we’ll see.
I’ve gotten back into cooking. Cooking is my happy place but, I haven’t done it in a while. I pretty much was living off of coffee, cheese and crackers, sandwiches, and the occasional salads.
I’ve been talking to people. Full blown conversations. Listening and fully engaged. Not being distracted by social media scrolling.
It may not seem much but, these little things have definitely helped me moving in a more positive direction. And it’s only been a couple of days.
I’m really going to take this time to just do me. Finding what makes me happy. And getting some damn professional help.
So in my most sultry, silky, smooth Barry White voice, I’m going to start following my own advice. It’s time for me to “practice what you preach.”
I couldn’t find a GIF of him winking, so this will have to do.
*My accounts are still active because memes are life and I need to see the ones my peoples (all 2 of them) tag me in when I get back on. Lol.